Another One Of Those Nights…

Tonight is another one of those nights.  Nights where I’m not impressed by my parenting skills.  Nights where I’m tired, hot and not full of patience.  Nights where I’m just Done.  With a capital D. 

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My house is trashed- and I can’t find the energy right now to pick up the mess.  So far today I’ve been peed on, hit, screamed and told that I am the worst Mom ever.  Yes honey, I am well aware.  My mind seems more trashed than my house at this point.

I usually teeter somewhere on the verge of happy and crazy most days.  I love my happy/crazy mix, and while it usually overwhelms my husband, I love the chaos of our overstuffed life.  Today, there were no extra commitments or places to go.  And it still flopped.  Just goes to prove that you can’t make this shit up.  Parenting is HARD WORK.

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And even though I should be spending the extra quiet time with my husband, as soon as he gets home from work (a nice 13 hour day), I’ll be begging at the door to go for a run.  Because I need to have some quiet time with me first.  I feel like I couldn’t even make a sentence if I tried right now. 

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So, I am going leave the mess for tomorrow…. and just keep swimming.

Till Death Do Us Part?

In the last two weeks, I’ve heard of three couples my age (between 28-32) that are getting divorced or broke off a long engagement.  This absolutely breaks my heart.  I’m not here to judge- and this post isn’t meant to judge anyone- I’ve never been in this position so I honestly can’t have an opinion on anything they’re going through, and I’ve always said that you don’t know what people’s life is like behind closed closed doors.  Marriages that look all wonderful on the surface may be very different out of the spotlight.

But I still feel bad.  The divorce rate makes every young couple feel like they’re up against impossible odds.  Just last night on a tv show (don’t judge my trash tv habit), the only couple who appear strong and grounded threw the D word at each other.  At what point do we say that it’s not an option?  And if it’s not an option- at what point do we know it’s so bad we have to get out?  It’s such a double-edged sword.

Don’t get me wrong- hubs and I have had our share of nasty arguments and down and out moments- but I’ve never had the feeling that we wouldn’t figure it out together in the long haul.  Sometimes we’ve wholeheartedly disagreed on important topics, but still, we know we can compromise, or accept that one person will get their way.  Life just isn’t always fair.  But what about those relationships that are broken?  It’s probably more emotionally healthy to be apart, but how do you know?  My heart aches for people who have to make this decision. 

 

Perspective.

I’ve had a case of the Mondays. In every way possible.

My kids did not want to get out of bed to go to the babysitter when I woke them up this morning. They begged and pleaded for one more day home with me. I felt awful.

I tested my kids at school to death another time. I felt awful.

I picked my kids up from said babysitter and came home to prepare dinner. A dinner no one liked. I felt awful.

The crying began. The arguing began. Time out, talking, time out, hitting, time out. I felt awful.

One and a half hours of trying to tough it out, talk it out, threatening her to go to bed. I felt awful.

And then I read this. It doesn’t make me a horrible mom that I had all of those feelings, because honestly, who hasn’t? We all need to Carpe Kairos, because the whole Diem doesn’t always work.

But seriously? This woman lost a stillborn baby after having a baby who has quite frankly the worst medical run ins. This puts it in perspective.

And then I turned on the tv and saw this. My babies are here. And alive. THIS puts it in perspective.

And at the end of today, I’m exhausted, much more mentally than physically, but I’m here. I’m healthy. I’m alive. And I’ll show up to try again tomorrow.

But for now- I’m taking a dose of the best drug ever. Sleep.

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#Winning Mom…

Tonight I feel like a winning mom.  I actually put my children first.  You see, my kids are well-dressed, fed, taken care of, but sometimes, I know that I put other things before them… work, volunteering, my own social schedule.  Ya know, MOM GUILT stuff.  Anyway, today, my munchkins were sick.  Thank Goodness mother in law showed up and saved the day.  Two babies with fevers is not fun.  Off to work I went, knowing that I was getting the better end of that deal.

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I had to cancel dinner plans with a friend tonight because GP had hockey, and said children were sick.  Eh, okay.  Cancel plans?  That’s what moms do.  I’m okay with that.  But then it occurred to me.  Mother in law cannot babysit tomorrow.  My mom is sick as well, and my sister is away for the weekend.  GP’s first day of the golf season is tomorrow and he’s slated to work the day by himself.  So, who do you go to when you’ve exhausted all of your options?  Yes.  It’s time to look in the mirror. 

It’s not because I don’t WANT to care for my children.  I do.  I feel awful leaving them at home when they are sick.  I feel bad also for the person caring for them.  And my heart wrenches at the fact that sometimes when you’re sick, you just want your Mama.  But taking a sick day when you’re a teacher?  No, no, no.  Taking time off is so. much. work.  Besides, our district is pretty strict about how we use our time.  But ya know what?  I had no other options.  So, sue me.  I need to care for my children.  I care for other people’s children every day- I should only repay the debt to my own family- right?  And quite honestly, all of the germ factories that have been sick at school have probably infected my biological children anyway. 

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So- tomorrow, I’ll probably be blogging about my WORKING mom guilt.  And at the same time, I’ll be bitter that I don’t have a job that allows for the imperfections in life such as illness.  But, some of those awesome jobs are reverting back to the Stone Age too.  More on that tomorrow.

Why the stigma?

I’ve been thinking a lot about Mindy McCreary’s suicide in the last couple of days.  Not because I listened to her music, or even because I was a fan.  I’m stuck and frustrated.  Mindy CLEARLY had mental health issues.  In fact, the reason she apparently committed suicide is rumored to be because her father told a court judge she shouldn’t have custody of her own children because she was neglecting them.  Her boyfriend committed suicide just over a month ago.  Let’s face it.  The girl was battling lots of demons.  She struggled with alcoholism, addiction and mental health issues. 

It seems that often people talk about their friends and families who are struggling with weight loss, addiction, and other issues.  People are happy that they have this issues, but they’re not scared to talk about them.  After thinking about this post since Saturday, I wanted to THANK GOD that Jenny, at the Bloggess posted this today.  I don’t personally know Jenny, but I read her blog often enough to think that I do.  She writes a lot, about a lot of topics, and her posts are usually light-hearted.  I appreciate that she chose now to discuss the fact that some people need help.  Help can be described in many ways.  Some need a run, some need to talk, some need to write, some need Xanax.  Who cares?  And who are WE to judge?  Aren’t we all supposed to support each other? 

Certainly moms aren’t perfect.  Some days are MUCH harder than others.  We’ve all been there.  We may not blog about it every day, we may not put those not so proud moments on Facebook, but it happens.  But WHY, oh WHY, can we not just accept the fact that some people struggle more than others?

I feel very lucky that I’ve never needed an anti-depressant, but seriously, I’ve thought about whether or not I needed it sometimes.  I’m surrounded by a close group of girlfriends that do require meds.  And seriously- what do I care?  If it helps them- then so be it.

I hope that this is one more step in the direction about the important discussion we need to have.  We need to talk about mental health.  Let’s discuss the elephant in the room.  Not every mom has her shit together every day, okay?  And if they LOOK like they do- it’s probably all a front. 

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At the end of the day.  Do whatever makes you work better.  Do whatever makes you feel better.  Do whatever makes YOU better.  And by all means- PLEASE don’t judge.

Where is the Manual for Life?

When you’re a child time stands still.  It stares you in the face.  Two more weeks until summer break.  Five more days until your birthday.  Twenty-three more days until Christmas.  You wish and wish and wish away your childhood, wanting the next time, thing, or visit.  Suddenly, when you’re an adult, especially after you have kids, you wonder, why does time keep running away from you?  Sometimes I wonder why I can’t rewind back to my childhood.  I can just keep wishing and praying for the next big thing.

As an adult, I fear the next big thing.  The next big thing for me may be a career change.  Making these decisions sucks.  As much as I’m not happy with the current state of affairs in the Casa de Fig, change is hard.  And it’s really, really scary.  I ask people for their advice, but seriously, it’s not their life.  I’ve had advice telling me to drop it all and go back to school full time all the way to, don’t quit your job- you’ll always regret not having summers off.  So, how come there is no answer to these questions in the Manual for Life?  Better yet- where is the damn Manual? 

I don’t know why I fear making decisions- there are very few I regret.  Even if it wasn’t the right choice at the time, it usually lead me to a better place.  I learned, I grew up, and some weird messed up way, I became better.  Unfortunately, I have NOT made one of these life-changing decisions since my kids were born.  I didn’t have to decide whether or not to move, to take a new job, to buy a bigger house.  Before I had kids, we had already bought a house. I had already been teaching for four years.  We were already married.  Making big decisions like these is scary.  But it’s even worse when you’ve got kids. 

When you’re 21 and really stupid, the decisions you make only really affect you.  Now, I could change my whole family unit. Holy.  Crap. 

So how do you decide?  How do you answer these tough questions?  How do you know what you don’t even know? 

My answer is…. I really don’t know. 

 

 

Update… One Week In

So… I’m about one week in.  I’ve only had one day that was a complete fail.  I don’t really know why, but I just started the day wrong.  I left the house without even thinking about breakfast, which is weird for me, but it went downhill from there.  The upside is that I have been running like a maniac, and drinking a TON of water, so even though I feel full of water (and fat) all the time, I’m hoping that will come back in pounds lost.  I’ve already lost a few pounds of just the easy beginner’s luck.  I joined two Deitbets.  I’m nervous about that- they both have a lot of money to win if I meet my goal of 4% in the one month period. 

So the exercise has really started to fall into place.  The eating needs to be better managed.  I need to make better choices around my family.  When we’re out- it’s hard for me to order something healthy while everyone else is eating comfort food.  But a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do, right?

So far, I’d say the best things to keep me on track are:

1. Nike Fuel Band– AMAZING device that keeps track of your fuel (basically a score), calories burned, steps and distance.  You can also compete with other friends who have the Fuel Band.  I set my goal, and I have already increased it once.  Now I’m hellbent on meeting my goal everyday (especially since I’m on a seven day streak!)  I may or may not have been so devoted that I offered to walk 10 blocks to the gym bar with friends last night instead of driving.  Wahoo!  And yes, please don’t ask why I went out to a bar- a girl’s gotta enjoy herself.  And I had Diet Coke.  With a litte Captain.

2.  A home gym.  GP has these grand plans of looking like this by summer every year:

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He’s a marketer’s dream.  Yes, I’m home now, I have time to work out, blah, blah, blah.  It works for a couple of weeks and he loses his 20 lbs and he’s done (yes, I hate that he can give up soda or look at a treadmill and lose 20 lbs).  This year, he decided to convert 1/2 our basement into a home gym.  We took an old tv and set it up and put carpet on our concrete floors.  It looks nice for a couple hours worth of manual labor.  Finished product:Image

Yes, I know it DOES need a treadmill.  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE convince GP to buy me one!  Especially on nights like tonight when it’s 20 degrees outside and he’s watching football so I’m stuck at home with the kids!  I could do Tae Bo for the 1,000th time, but I’d rather run and watch mindless crappy tv! 

Anyway- the first week is going well.  I wish it would have gone better, but progress takes time.